Is Dating with a Filter Preventing You From Finding the One?

Aug 23

Dating— we’ve all thought about it, but why does it have to be so damn stressful, tedious, and superficial. Dating apps don’t seem to be making the process easier, am I right ladies?!

In this generation especially, I often find myself wishing I was born in a different time— a time before social media, a time before all the swiping, before all the filters, before “Netflix and Chill.” When you think about it, dating to find true love has become almost obsolete. The days of courting have fallen short and there's no purpose behind half of the apps that seem to offer nothing but empty promises and overly airbrushed selfies.

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I, for one, want no part of that. I often find myself looking for new ways to put myself out there in order to be proactive about my dating life. A firm believer that cutting oneself off from potential opportunities is something no one should do in any aspect of life, be it a potential job, a vacation or a potential partner! So why are we self-sabotaging our own dating lives, or perhaps a more important starting question, in what ways are we inadvertently self-sabotaging our dating lives? After all, you can’t filter your way into a relationship. Have you ever heard the expression, ‘there’s a lot of fish in the sea’? Well, that may be true but most of us are fishing in a shallow pond because we are superficially filtering out great matches and eliminating thousands of potentially great dates based on criteria that is not indicative of relationship success… sounds familiar?

Are you only swiping on blonds, or tall guys with exotic origins, or maybe only guys who work in finance— “finance bros”, or those without kids. Using filters within dating apps is like putting in ear plugs when someone is talking to you. It’s time to ditch those dating earplugs, and here’s why:

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1. Limiting options limits your chances for success:

*insert height filter*

*insert ethnicity filter*

*insert religion filter*

*insert career filter*

*insert drives a fancy car filter*

Remember, the first step is admitting you have a problem so let’s be honest, we’re all guilty of doing this in the past, but more often than not all those filters are pushing you further and further from your end goal - an LTR (long term relationship). Try knocking off a few filters and widening your net, and you may just catch your merman..

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2. Filtering for superficial matters leads to superficial relationships:

Try to prioritize the things that really matter to you when looking for a partner. If you’re looking for something long term, you have to prioritize long term criteria for your future suitor as well. So I hate to be the one to break it to ya, but their bodies aren’t always going to be long term; focus instead on their personality, their likes and dislikes, is this someone you could see yourself spending forever with? Is this something you learn by setting your height filter to 6’?

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3. Your “type” might not have your “type” of values, after all:

Let’s be honest, 6’4” Chad with a six pack might scream love at first swipe, but will he have the same values as you and stand by your side through thick and thin? Well, who knows? He might! But the 5’9” gentlemen who you just swiped left on might also love ramen noodles, skiing, and want to raise a family of four just like you. But you missed the boat because you were doing your laundry on Chad’s chiseled, washboard abs.